Why I feel secure…

By Harish Trivedi,
© 2011

Your Editor says -

"For the first time, (as they say 'in my life' ) I feel secure like never before...."

* An insurance company is 'by my side',

* Another insurance company keeps telling me, 'State Farm is there...’ My problem is I do not know where 'there' is?

* A local TV channel keeps saying, 'On Your side', sometimes I get up in the middle of the night and instead of the lovely 'weather girl' (do they still use the term 'Weather Girl') I find my cat trying to get on the better part of my comforter,

* Since I wear the medical alert, I know if I

'fall and cannot get up'

some one will come and help me get up. This is something I am tempted to try... I am, according to some religious leaders already 'a fallen soul’ I wonder if the ‘bracelet people’ would help me get up...

* I know everything, I happen happen to have the entire 'Idiot's guide to....' books,

* My cereal contains 'daily required amount of fiber' so I don't have to chew on rug to alleviate any fiber deficiency.

* My yogurt contains the antioxidants that are good for me,

* My coffee is 'caffeine free’...

* I get more than required amount of BS from the TV talk shows and the talking heads...

* I have learned to live with socio-psychological issues from Dr. Phil,

* I know whom to call if I ever develop any symptoms of Mesothelioma, (even though the TV commercials do not say if one can developed the symptoms by being exposed to such commercials over a number of years...)

* The Ohio law has made it simple, only two individual needs to sign a statement that says, 'He is dangerous to him and needs to be confined....’ I know the 'missej' and my niece are ready to use that legal provision any time they think I am dangerous to myself - that happens to be all the time...so I am waiting for guys with straight-jacket'....

And finally (that is how such things are written), so And finally -

One more time - 'Again, as they say, having so many friends, who needs enemies?'

Bob and Betty in Transylvania - one hell of a shaggy dog story! - August 18, 2009

From one of our Very Far-flung correspondents….

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory"

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor 's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty 's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob 's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the Sound of Music!"

What did you expect?

Today’s EDUCATION or What Johnny did not learn?, August 15, 2009

From one of our Very Far - Flung Correspondents -

Today’s EDUCATION or What Johnny did not learn?

(This also could be said about some of the States in this country and also about education in some states in India, such as Orissa or Gujarat or Haryana…

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well
endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is no hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true – an early start, I presume)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death


Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20parts of the body categorised (e.g. the abdomen)

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U .......................... (What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby
(Now this could be an answer from a student from Orrisa, Haryana or Gujrat in India)

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you
understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face (or baby’s ass or a Fairy)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

Received from one of our Very Far-Flung Correspondents:

Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns –
Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,
Walter

* * * * *

Quote Without Context:

Harish: I am going to drive while texting and see what happens...'

Missej: You can't drive well even without texting...

(Drum roll optional)

* * * * *

Humor: Universal Health Care Plan

Our very Far-flung correspondent says...

Universal Health Care Plan:

Apparently the American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Universal Health Care Plan....

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ass holes in Washington.

Humor: The Mafia story, July 23, 2009

Just received the following anecdote from one of our Very Far-flung correspondent -

Why Italian Godfathers pass their handguns down through the family?

Here's how the story goes -

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Elio, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a
beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos"

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

Swine Flu...

Our Very Far-flung correspondent says...

If you receive an email

From the

Department of Health

Telling you not to eat

Canned pork

Because of

Swine flu...


Ignore it...


It's just Spam.

Whimsy: I Love this Doctor

From Our Very Far-flung Correspondent:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.

Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.

And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable.

And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


'Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.'