From one of our Very Far - Flung Correspondents -
Today’s EDUCATION or What Johnny did not learn?
(This also could be said about some of the States in this country and also about education in some states in India, such as Orissa or Gujarat or Haryana…
The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well
endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is no hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true – an early start, I presume)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20parts of the body categorised (e.g. the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U .......................... (What the *!!*???)
Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby
(Now this could be an answer from a student from Orrisa, Haryana or Gujrat in India)
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you
understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face (or baby’s ass or a Fairy)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight
Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
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